Grieving And the Slippery Slope of Despair

                   "Earth has no sorrow that heaven can not heal." Author Unknown

Isaiah 43:2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you."

I have mourned deeply throughout my life. I "lost" one of my closest friends to suicide when I was 16, my dad when I was 18, my only grandparent when I was 19, my first daughter when I was 20 and my mom this past September.  No one can really prepare you or comfort you when you're walking through the "shadows of death", you can have your best friend holding your hand and still feel like you are utterly alone. You listen for comforting words, but words are meaningless. You reach for consolation in the acts of friends, the prayers of brothers and sisters, the loving arms of your spouse. But all is empty….dark…lonely. This is mourning. This is grief. It is isolating, numbing, and paralyzing.

Mary the mother of Jesus felt the agonizing sting as well as The Father as He watched His only son die on the cross. Mothers and fathers mourn their children, children mourn their mothers and fathers.  There is cutting pain in losing your soul mate and partner in life or the wisdom once found in a loving grandparent. When these loved ones pass unexpectedly or far too soon, we are left to ask,"Where is God?" "How could a loving God allow such pain and 'despair?" Jesus never promised life without pain, sorrow or death. He Himself experienced it when His cousin, John, was beheaded, and when He heard the news that His good friend, Lazarus, had fallen ill and died. Jesus understands our sorrow and pain. In fact, Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 that all of those who mourn WILL be comforted.

I can not imagine going through the grieving process without Jesus. But it is not enough to only rely on praying and feeling His comforting presence, for often, losing someone we love will have a numbing effect on us. Suddenly, we are unable to feel joy, excitement or comfort when we need it most. As horrible as this may feel, this is actually a good thing as our body's are giving us time to heal from the pain of loss, it comes in waves, in little doses, giving us time to digest what has happened and to heal slowly. This is in essence the definition of "grieving process." 

(To learn more about the different stages of mourning I recommend the following link.)   http://funeralplan.com/griefsupport/griefsteps.html

But if we are unable to "feel' the comfort of God, how do we prevent the slippery slope of despair?  It is during these times that we need to be honest with our friends and family, honest with God and honest with ourselves.   I have learned that it is okay, if I'm not okay.  It's okay if I'm angry, it's okay if I'm sad, it's okay if I just want to be alone, it's okay if I want to just go out and have some fun.  It's okay to roll with my emotions….as long as I'm being honest with myself.  When I'm angry I tell Jesus that I'm angry and I ask my close friends to pray for me.  When I'm feeling sad, I check myself and make sure I'm not feeling sorry for myself or stepping over the line and into depression.  For every day that I allow myself to isolate and have alone time, I make myself get out of the house for a couple of hours.  If I need to cry, I cry, knowing that every tear is a tribute to the one that I am mourning.  

I believe that going through loss in life is an opportunity to learn, in deeper ways, the true character of God.  He is not aloof, He cares and He comforts.  When we ask for understanding He gently gives just enough insight to help us.  When our first daughter Deverie died after her heart surgery at 11 days old, I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to keep her. I asked Jesus to help me understand.  He spoke tenderly to me.  He said two things that changed my whole perspective.  The first thing He said to me is that He is the Author and Finisher of Life not just our faith.  He appoints a time for one to be born and a time for them to die.  HE decides what a lifetime is.  For some, a lifetime can be 90 years, for others only 10.  He told me that Deverie lived her appointed lifetime of 11 days.  She was not stolen or ripped off.  She lived her full life.  The second thing He told me is that Jesus' lap is big enough to hold all of the little babies that come to heaven.  Some may or may not find comfort in these words, but I did.  Jesus knew exactly what I needed to hear that day.  

Grieving also tests us.  It is a test that only we can see.  How well do we know God?  How much do we trust His love?  How surrendered to His plans are we?  Do we really know what the word says about suffering and trials and perseverance and healing and life and death?  By focusing our attention on seeking His word and His voice for our questions, we can keep ourselves from falling into despair.  Because when we do these things, we find that Jesus is faithful and that we can truly get through anything if we trust Him.  In my loneliest times I would reach for Him with my weak and broken heart and I would feel Him holding me.  Nothing earth shaking, just subtle little touches that comforted me perfectly.

If you are grieving you are not alone.  This is a shadow.  Lay down and rest.  Let Holy Spirit comfort you and carry you.  The process will be over soon, the fog will lift and you will feel the warmth of sunshine again.  Feel what you feel and do not be ashamed.  No one knows your pain but God.  No one understands your process but God.  And that's okay.  Some may think you have grieved too long, some may think you haven't grieved enough.  Some may say you eat too much or you need to eat more.  Some will tell you to get out and have fun,  to let go… Although, there is wisdom in listening to the counsel of the ones closest to you, speak up and be honest.  It is their love and concern and often, not knowing what you are feeling, that causes them to take action and sometimes suggest that you do something that you simply are not ready to do.  Grieving takes time.  You're going to be okay. The pain will fade and the process will come to an end.   

 John 11:35  Jesus wept.

http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/CBNTeachingSheets/Grief.aspx

http://biblesays.faithsite.com/content.asp?CID=9768

Loosing A Parent and Gaining Perspective

I'm not sure if one is ever really "ready" to lose a parent.  When it's your father, you are saying goodbye to your protector, provider and guide.  When it's your mother, you are saying goodbye to your caretaker, nurturer and confidant.  Well, at least that is how we imagine our parents should be.  Regardless of our relationship with our parents or whether or not they "measured up" to their role in our lives, for those of us who loved them, losing one of them can be devastating.  For me, I have had to say goodbye to both of my parents now and there is no other way to describe the feeling but surreal and slightly orphaned.

My father passed away when I was 18.  He was 50 years old and died in his sleep from cardiomyopathy of the heart.  He was a diabetic and a heavy smoker and he did not like going to the doctor.  My mom passed away this past September at the age of 70.  She too, slipped away in her sleep from a "devastating cerebral brain hemorrhage", also known as a "Brain Aneurysm".  Like my father, she also struggled with smoking most of her adult life.  My mom and dad were both very hard workers and lived under a high level of stress. Together they would dream of retirement and all of the things they would do together.  They worked long, hard hours striving for the day that they could rest and enjoy their lives.  But that day never came…

My parents, like many of us, believed that they would retire around 65 and then spend the next 15 years traveling and enjoying their grand babies.  They put money in their 401k's and IRAs.  They made their plans to buy an RV and travel around the US.  They invested in fishing gear that they would "enjoy for years to come".  They never traveled outside of the country, or the state for that matter. They never enjoyed theatre, or long drives up and down the coast.  They worked.  Tirelessly they worked.  Every year my sister and I would beg them to take us to Disneyland or Yosemite, but they were too tired, too broke, or just too unwilling.  Our vacations growing up were camping trips to the same little lake in Northern California. Every year, twice a year from when I was 6 months old to when I was 17. We loved our traditional camping trips, they really were the highlight of my childhood, but we always knew that mom and dad wanted something more….and they planned to have it….some day.

I think that one of the most sobering lessons for me in losing my parents while they were still relatively young, is that they worked so hard to achieve the "someday dream", that they let their "today's" slip by.  They should have laughed more, played more, rested more….lived more.  The bible says, that "life is just a vapor and then it's gone."  It really is so very true.  Investing in the future is important, but not at the expense of living today.  Life throws curve balls at us every step of the journey, but we must learn how to dodge them, learn from them, and keep enjoying our lives and the people in which we share them.

Yes, I will invest in IRAs and Mutual Funds…but I will also invest in my marriage, children and friends.  Yes, I will plan for my future, but I will also be present and live today.  Yes, I will dream…yes, I will hope.  But no, I will not drive myself into the ground with work, stress, and harmful self remedy's.  I will love Jesus, Love my family, Love my work and Love my play.  And I will not take for granted one single day while I'm on this planet…I will dream for tomorrow but live like I only have today.  This will be my tribute to my parents.  "I hear you mom and dad….And I will learn from you."